The Lord of the Things
by Legilmalith
Summary: Joint written by Legilmalith and Mud Boy. We know this title has been used before, so get off our backs, cause this sucker's better. Who needs a summary? It's a parody of a story you all know...just read it!!!!!
1. Obesedrial's Explanation

Title: Lord of the Things  
  
Rating: tentatively rated PG-13  
  
Summary: In a time of peril, many characters converge with a common goal in mind. What is this goal? Who cares, there's lots of violence, silliness, and downright oddities which can never be explained. What's not to like?  
  
Disclaimer: We don't attempt to belittle the Lord of the Rings trilogy. We just attempt to make it silly! Stay away, you nasty lawyers you. You and your lawsuits can kiss my anus! :-D Ok.....second disclaimer: We don't attempt to belittle lawyers......etc. Sorry. Ok seriously. We really love LOTR. We've read all of the books and intend to see all of the movies. This is not meant to poke fun at the LOTR trilogy. Rather, it is to poke fun at the entire fantasy genre, by means of the LOTR story, which is one of our favorites. It is only a figment of our wild and crazy imaginations!  
  
Authors' Notes: No flames please. Just criticism.....CONSTRUCTIVE!!!!!! Don't singe us or we will sick our extremely large "bouncer" friend Garth on you. (Dude, he bench presses, like, 500 lbs.) This is our first Humor/Parody fic so be gentile.  
  
Here are the characters names in our story:  
  
Hobbits are Nobbins  
Frodo Baggins: Mojo Scraggins  
Gandalf the Grey: Randolf the Maroon  
Strider: Pacer the Ranger  
Sam Gamgee: Ham Sandwie  
Merry Brandybuck: Very Randyduck  
Pippin Took: Hippin Stook  
Bilbo Baggins: Elbow Scraggins  
Legolas: Legomyeggolas  
Gimli, son of Glóin: Smimly, son of Groin  
Boromir: Borrowbeer  
Galadriel: Obesedriel  
Elrond: Smellrond  
Arwen: Darwin  
Saruman: Sorrymom  
Sauron: Moron  
Isildur: Bran Muffin (why not?)  
Gollum: Pete  
  
The World is changed....why? Because otherwise there would be no story, no sequel, and no Oscar. I mean let's face it: What's a movie without conflict? A piece of crap! Anyway....  
I feel it in the waters.  
I feel it in the Earth.  
I smell it in the air. Yuck, what is that smell? It must be change. It smells like throw up.  
Much that once was is lost.  
  
It began with the forging of the Things of Power.....what things? Many things! Three were given to the Elves, the super models of the ancient world. Seven, to the Dwarf lords, short ugly stinky guys. And nine, nine were given to the race of men, who above all desire more things....what things? Many things!  
But they were all of them deceived. For another thing was made. In the land of Snoredor, in the fires of Mount Vroom, the Dark Lord Moron forged a master thing; an oven mitt, which he would use to control all other things.  
One Thing to rule them all....  
Then a bunch of other stuff happened.....but let's get to the good part.  
A last alliance of men, elves and bakers marched on the armies of Snoredor. A battle ensued between the allies and the Morks (and Mindys too).   
*clang clang clang.....AHHHH! clang clang. Shing.....Woopie!*  
They were winning....can't ya tell? Woah! Who's that guy? He's big, scary! I'm gonna go hide! Ok, sounds pretty nasty out there.....lots of screaming. Yup, sounds like it's over. Woah, Moron was defeated. Looks like the kings' son, Bran Muffin, defeated Moron. How, you ask? With his father's broken sword and some pretty nifty special effects.   
There was much silence thereafter.....Smellrond turned to one of his soldiers and said, "Dude, I think Moron ripped one before he died. It smells like scorched animal carcass....oh and crap too!"  
With these words of wisdom from Smellrond, the battle ended.  
Then a bunch of other stuff happened.....blah blah blah......Bran Muffin dropped the oven mitt in the river. Time passed. Spring became winter and all that good stuff. But they were all of them deceived....Oh, man I'm on the wrong page. Ok, here we go. Then the creature Pete found it...but he's not in this version, so ignore that. Elbow Scraggins found it. And thus began the time when Nobbins shaped the fortunes of all....and stuff. 


	2. LALALALALALALALALA! la

Title: Lord of the Things  
  
Rating: PG-13 (for sexual references, violence and mild language.)   
  
Summary: In a time of peril, many characters converge with a common goal in mind.   
What is this goal? Who cares, there's lots of violence, silliness, and downright   
oddities which can never be explained. What's not to like?  
  
Disclaimer: See first chapter.  
  
Part I: The Fellowship of the Thing  
  
A beautiful grassy knoll, in the middle of a beautiful Nobbiton summer. Birds are chirping, dogs barking, and a couple of jack rabbits were goin at it like...well, uh...jackrabbits. Mojo Scraggins was sitting by a tree reading People Magazine. Wait, where is he? Yo Mojo!!! Where you at? Oh, there he is. He's kinda hairy...dude get a razor and shave yoself! Anywoo, he's reading and here comes Randolf the Maroon...right about...NOW!   
  
Randolf singing very fast   
  
cried Mojo.  
  
Shut up, I'm not done!!!!! LALALALALALALALALALALAAAAAAA la!  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
Go ahead, lumpy.  
  
You're late, Randolf.  
  
A wizard is never...uh...oh where is my g.d. script?!  
  
Right here, Mr. the Maroon.  
  
Who the hell are you?  
  
I'm Pete! They wouldn't let me in the movie, so I'm a Grip now.  
  
Grip this, you boob! Randolf replied.  
  
Ok this scene is really gay from here on. Let's just skip to the good stuff. Ah, here's a beauty. Elbow and Randolf meet to discuss the long expected kegger.  
  
Randolf...dude, it's been like so long! Let's get lit and put on my magic oven mitt! Hey, I'm a poet and didn't know it! said Elbow.  
  
Sounds righteous! So what's with Mojo? He's such a hoser!  
  
I know, he's such a douchebag. I don't know why I put up with him anymore.  
  
Cause he makes your sandwiches.  
  
Oh yeah! Can't live without my ham and swiss on rye!  
  
Elbow...you must give me the oven mitt.  
  
said Elbow, dissapointedly. What for?  
  
I'm baking cookies next week.  
  
Oh, well, then you'll need it, or else you'll burn your hand, you naughty boy!  
  
Say what?  
  
Nothing. So how's Mrs. the Maroon?  
  
That ol' bag? She's making it with the pool boy every day. Randolf said, disgusted.  
  
Who's your pool boy?  
  
I am, but I get really tired after a while. It sucks. He grinned.  
  
Well, I'm turning 1,284 this month.  
  
Wow, a milestone! Really?  
  
Nah, I'm 48, but it wow's the tourists. I got boils on my feet older than me!  
  
Well this should be a night to remember.  
  
Not really. I'll be so bombed I won't even remember any of this.  
  
*R/R, please.  
  



End file.
